December 2nd, 2013

(no subject)

Лауреат Нобелевской премии по экономике Daniel Kahneman открыл, что если регулярно ходить на работу и что-то там делать, то шансы на получение зарплаты значительно выше, чем сидеть дома и ни хера не делать. 

(no subject)

Let’s speak as human beings

by Marian Belenky

- Meow!
- Is that you, at last? Where have you been, freaking around all night?
- Meow!
- You stop babbling this to me! Just look at you! Your fur’s shredded, lipstick on your whiskers! You just can’t be such an animal!
- Meow!
- I’m fed up with all these catastrophes, cataclysms, catabasia, boycats of yours! You just keep coming home under this catharsis all time! Your cat-wotes are getting high in cat-stakes, I trust, right up the roof. And then I see you coming home totally catangented. Look at yourself – be a man at least!
- Meow!
- You think, I don’t remember you getting plastered with valerian, singing out dirty rhymes, zapping girls in the street?
- Meow!
- Is that all your excuse?
- Meow!
- You do remember, don’t you, what you were like when I picked you up right from the street, eh?
- Meow!
- Now you stop telling me all that shit about your hardships, this all could’ve been much worse, by the way.
- Meow?
- Precisely. Just imagine that you get born to a swine family. What would you be then?
- Meow!
- Scary, no? And think about being a worm – what then?
- Meow?
- Sure. Just imagine, everybody living full life, walking the roofs, getting at mice, getting after cat ladies, and you just swarming in some shit.
- Meow!
- Look, behave yourself at last! I’ve got heaps of work to do, and you just keep distracting me, just chatting and chatting away! All’s on the cat burner for me now.
- Meow!
- Really? You’re always after gorging yourselves. And did you wash the dishes even once after you? I’m all messed up since morning, spinning around from morning till evening, and all that for catshit’s worth!
- Meow!
- No way!
- Meow!
- All right, you’ve got it. Look, I’ve seen one thing at a store over there. It’s like that on top… like this at the bottom… and like that up there… d’you think it’d be okay on me?
- Meow!
- Stop talking back to me, you! What d’you mean – expensive?! I’ve spend my whole life on buggers like you, and what am I getting in terms of gratitude? Cats would laugh!
- Meow!
- Oh yes? And who grubbed a whole pot of chicken steaks this New Year? You bastard, there were about ten pound of them – and you weigh up to six yourself, where are they all now?
- Meow!
- If you are the cat, then where are the steaks? And if you are the steaks …
- Meow!
- Now that’s the way you are talking to me, right? What about the guests, don’t you care at all? But you are never thinking about this all, about the future, to cat it short, see?!
- Meow!!!
- That’s it. You guys seem to have no problems at all. You don’t have to paint up your face every morning, or do the leg-shaving. You don’t have any bra, tights or cosmetics expenses. You never feel like shit for a whole week every month. You don’t have to worry about getting knocked up. You guys can go to a restaurant or theatre stark alone, smoke on your walk, sleep on a bus. You just get out to a street, grab the first…
- Meow?
- For God’s sake! You earned a cat-hedra in this science.
- Meow!
- Dear girls, ladies, women all, pray, never trust them! They are always singing away to you and as soon as they get some, they keep turning away and snoring. Beat it now, off you go, get yourself busy fishing out for some problems.
- Meow!
- I’m positive. Was that Daisy who talked you into this steak business? That Daisy Katz next door? You’d never have invented that yourself, with your cat-brains.
- Meow!
- And that’s not all! D’you think I forgot? That Siamese pussy from the fifth floor, what about her?
And I am not mentioning Spot Abramowitz here. What a shame! And you are supposed to be coming from an educated family. You parents won international contests. Was I teaching you this?
- Meow!
- Stop covering your ass! I don’t believe a single word!
- Meow!
- I told you, no means no!
- Meow!
- All right, come on, sorry for being too cross, but that was you who started..
- Meow!
- OK, but I’m never seeing this Daisy again, deal? She’s young, redhead, fluffy, I understand this, but this is me who’s feeding you, am I right?
- Meow!
- All right, you win. But I’m not going to put up with it any more. So you must swear to me!
- Meow!
- Right-oh, now you see, you get everything from them if you talk human to them.
They really seem to understand.

Translation from Russian E. Cuzmishin

МОсква, Кремль, деду Морозу

Уважаемый д. Мороз!

В прошлом году я вас просил организовать спектакль в московском театре. Вы мне организовали постановку у Марка Розовского. Спасибо, но почему в зале на 50 мест? Там же копейки набегают. Вам жалко было сделать в большом на 250? Извините, но этот пункт я вам не защитываю,  и переношу на будущий год.  Сделайте московский театр с большим залом мест на 500.
За питерский Буфф тоже спасибо. Там хоть 600 мест. Но спектакль идет раз в три месяца. Сделайте хотя бы раз в месяц. Вам это ничего не стоит, а мне не надо будет на работу ходить. С Украиной я уладил без вашей помощи. Перехожу из государственного УААП в общественную организацию. И другим советую.